Swimming, Faith, and the Goal

Cold and apprehensive, I look out over the still mirror of water, contemplating my willingness to commit. My momentary afflictions are not overpowered by the hope I have in the greater goal. SPLASH!! My breath is taken captive at once within my lungs, my feet hit the bottom of the pool, and I push off toward the surface. It begins.

Splish splash Splish splash… Ever stroke propels me through the stillness in a cadence established by every movement of my body. I feel the air move into and out of my lungs, the rhythm of my heart beating in conjunction with my strokes. The clear, cool liquid rushes around me, and it drowns out the other voices. It’s just me, God, and the water.

I’m tired. It’s been a challenging practice. Our coach knows where he wants to take us as a team. He knows every one of our limitations, our boundaries, even our psychological struggles when we think we have nothing left. That’s when he pushes us harder. That’s when we get better. I know my face is red and my stroke is sloppy, but I keep pushing myself. No matter how long this practice is, I know it has an end. That gives me all the more reason to be completely expendable while I’m in the water. It’s getting to the point where I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish. As I breathe to the right, I see my coach, bent low, walking along beside me, whistling and urging me on. Sometimes I look for him when I find nothing within myself to keep me going. Sometimes I don’t want to see him. It hurts to push my limits. Sometimes I even find myself getting angry when my fingertips finally touch the wall, and he’s right there to send me on my way again, even though I’m never ready for it. Looking back, I know that this is when I get stronger and faster. My improvement can only be attributed to the willingness of finding motivation outside myself, to listen and to do what I can with what I have left, always keeping in mind the greater goal.

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
2 Corinthians 4:17-18

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 3:13-14

“I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and His incomparably great power for those of us who believe.”
Ephesians 1:18-19

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down on the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls.”
Hebrews 12:1-3

“’Are- are- are you,' panted Shasta, 'are you King Lune of Archenland?' The old man shook his head. 'No,' he replied in a quiet voice, 'I am the Hermit of the Southern March. And now, my son, waste no time on questions, but obey. This damsel is wounded. Your horses are spent. Rabadash is at this moment finding a ford over the Winding Arrow. If you run now, without a moment’s rest, you will still be in time to warn King Lune.’
Shasta’s heart fainted at these words for he felt he had no strength left. And he writhed inside at what seemed the cruelty and unfairness of the demand. He had not yet learned that if you do one good deed your reward usually is to be set to do another and harder and better one.”
C.S. Lewis from The Horse and His Boy

“And so at last they got on the move. Lucy went first, biting her lip and trying not to say all the things she thought of saying to Susan. But she forgot them when she fixed her eyes on Aslan.”
C.S. Lewis from Prince Caspian

I’m always thankful when practice is over, and a peaceful joy overwhelms me. Swimming is a gift to me, and I don't expect anybody to really understand the depth of it. I don’t know how to live this life, to glorify God with every step of my day, but I do know that we are living for so much more than this life, and in all times, the good and bad, I know that the only way to get through it is to look to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith.

Instability

I'm back at CSU, after a once again difficult transition time into winter break, in which I was frustrated and confused, not unlike the majority of last semester. I searched scripture half-heartedly for an answer, and God gave me some critical insight into having a strong foundation in Him. Unfortunately I procrastinated in writing anything substantial down, but still want to reflect upon what I learned, though it may not be complete and it certainly won't have the same impact as it had on me while I was learning.
I wonder why sometimes it is so hard for me to transition between life at school and life at home with my family. Though there are many, many reasons, some of which I know and don't want to get into, and some of which I have no idea, there are a few reasons that are blatantly obvious in scripture: I don't have a strong foundation in Christ because I don't always listen and obey, I doubt when I ask God for wisdom in trying to live this life, and I look back to my past when I'm home. Here's what God says in three passages of scripture:

Luke 6:46-49
"But why do you call Me 'Lord, Lord,' and not do the things which I say? Whoever comes to Me, and hears My sayings and does them, I will show you whom he is like: He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently against that house, and could not shake it, for it was founded on the rock. But he who heard and did nothing is like a man who built a house on the earth without a foundation, against which the stream beat vehemently; and immediately it fell. And the ruin of that house was great."

James 1:2-8
"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double minded man, unstable in all his ways."

Luke 9:57-62
"Now it happened as they journeyed on the road, that someone said to Him, "Lord, I will follow You wherever You go." And Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head." Then He said to another, "Follow Me." But he said, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father." Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and preach the kingdom of God." And another also said, "Lord, I will follow You, but let me first go and bid them farewell who are at my house." But Jesus said to him, "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God."

(Note: this last chunk is hard for me to understand in a lot of ways, but the commentary in my Bible from John Macarthur helped a lot:
let me first go and bury my father. This does not mean that the man's father was already dead. The phrase, "I must bury my father" was a common figure of speech meaning, "Let me wait until I receive my inheritance."
let the dead bury their own dead. Let the world (the spiritually dead) take care of mundane things.
looking back. A plowman looking back cuts a crooked furrow.)

I think one of the most impactful things I learned out of these verses was the last one:
"No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God."... A plowman looking back cuts a crooked furrow. One of my biggest weaknesses in going home is laying in my bed, looking at my walls and my pictures, glorifying my high school memories. If that doesn't derail me in my race towards Jesus, I don't know what does. I need to stop looking back and start running full speed ahead. God has blessed me with a lot of incredible memories, but nothing compares to the future the sons of God can hope in.

A common theme in all of these verses is the instability of those that don't quite have it together. The man who hears God and doesn't obey has no foundation in Christ and is therefore ruined when any difficulty in life arises. The man who doubts when he asks God for wisdom is tossed around by the difficulty and persecution of this life, and he is incredibly unstable. The man who wants to follow Jesus, but keeps looking to find comfort and satisfaction from his past is not only unable to stay on the right, God glorifying path, he is unfit for the kingdom of God!!

I am praying that God can help me apply these verses to my life. I don't understand a lot about this life and this world, and I screw up a lot, but I trust that God will meet me where I'm at and can help me to become a person that is not pushed around by this world, but stands firm in Him.

The Backpack

My father displays his love for me in many ways, but mostly by giving me gifts.

I've once again had a difficult time being at home. I have so many mixed emotions, especially because of how this year has been. All break I have been surrounded by a story different from my own, and of course they all seem more glorious, more adventurous, more fulfilling and gratifying, more God-glorifying, more passionate, more memorable, more meaningful, more painful, more beautiful.
It's hard not to be reminiscent of my high school years as I lay in the same bed staring at the same ceiling, wondering why my life looks like it does right now. I couldn't help the flashbacks. My friendship with Kathleen, late nights in front of my house with Logan, the hardships and glories of swim team, the complicated network of obligations I got myself into, my family, my dog. I cherish those memories, those passions, because they were so real to me. Still today I am impacted by what happened so many years ago. I went to Kathleen's house yesterday. I remember those nights we layed on her driveway, talking about what our futures might bring. I remember balling in each other's arms in that driveway when our futures finally beckened us away from each other. Things are so different now.
I look at my brother. High school football star, loved by friends and family, by the girls- lots of girls that I find myself jealous of because they so easily captivate him. His life is emersed in all that high school glory that some get trapped in for the rest of their lives. I hope that never happens to him. His life is worth more than that...
I long for something, but I don't know what. I feel trapped, but I don't know by what. I want my life to be full of adventure, passion, genuine friendships, hardships, and joy. I long to hope for a future, but I don't know what to hope for. I want my life to be sold out for my Savior, but I don't know what that looks like for MY life. It's not practical for my life to look like Paul's, and as I struggle with not knowing, I find that every day passes by, and more and more opportunities have passed. It depresses me to think about. I am so worried that I might waste my life, that I am wasting it by worrying about it. My mom thinks I am way too serious. I think she's right, but I have way too much mulling about in my heart and my brain to do much about that. I don't want my college years to go by as I sit and ponder what I'm supposed to do with those years. I am afraid of judgement, mostly by those I serve with in the church, but I don't know why. I don't want to feel like I have to justify every action in their eyes. Only God can judge me. I read that today in 1 Corinthians...
So I long for my life to look different, and I, in my weakness, am trying to figure out a way for it to be different. My dad gave me a gift today- a backpack, because I told him that that was all I wanted for Christmas. It's nice, and of course he gave me the best of the best, because that's what he does. My dad always wants the best for me. But me, I want simplicity more often than he realizes. After some thought, I asked him how much it cost and I wanted him to look at some other backpacks that might be cheeper and might be more of what I had in mind. I searched, and he looked at what I showed him, and then left me to tell him what I wanted in the end. As I searched, I realized that my father gave me exactly what I wanted, but I was blind to it and ungrateful. I walked into the living room, gave him a kiss, and told him that he gave me just what I wanted, and I thanked him.
I think that's what's going on in my life right now. God's given me exactly what I asked for and more, and I can't see it, so I am searching for another way to fulfill my requests on my own. Why? I don't know, and I am still squeezing my eye-lids shut, oblivious to the blessings while my mind is spinning in the fuzzy, dark images behind those eye-lids. I only need to open my eyes...

Faith without Doubt

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will you give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him." Luke 11:11-13

"The Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: "In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary.' For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care about men, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!'" And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will no God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?" Luke 11:1-8

"When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most inimate way possible- with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, then praise Him- He is bringing you into the mainstream of His purposes... If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, then He will give you the first sign of His intimacy- silence." Oswald Chambers

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!" Psalm 143:10

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:5-6

Ok so my thoughts...
I laid awake on my bed the night that my mom responded to my email. I stared at the brick wall in a state of numbness and sadness. What happened? I remembered earlier that day, as my blood pumped hard through my veins, hands trembling, in eager anticipation of what God was going to do with her. Our God is a powerful God- He works in this world and He's going to heal my mom! After I picked up the phone, every word seemed to build upon a crushing weight on my dampened spirit. My blood cooled down, and I thought, maybe God doesn't work in this world, maybe it doesn't matter to pray for Him to change things here. I think my heart broke as I began to realize what that meant. If God doesn't work in this world, then He's not God. If I don't believe He can change things, then why am I living for Him? Why do I worship Him... why do I pray to Him? So I layed there, and out of no where, almost audibly, I heard James 1:6. So for the first time it was real to me- what it felt like to be a wave in the sea, blown and tossed by waves of doubt. Only hours ago my heart was racing in the realization that God answers prayer, and now, as I lay here, doubt has brought me one of the lowest feelings I have ever experienced. That's what doubt does to you.
On Wednesday, Jenn brought up James 1:6-7. We wondered what it looked like to have faith like that. Then we thought that maybe, that kind of faith is unaltered by waht the world says. That kind of faith is like the persistent widow. That kind of faith perseveres, even to the day of Christ's return- will He return to find you enaffected by the world's criticism? Will you believe God, even when everything around you tells you that He's not there or not listening? I think that's what that kind of faith is all about.

Hazael

2 Kings 8:7-15

Ben-hadad sends his servant Hazael to ask Elisha if he was to get better. Elisha telss him that he will get better, but that he is going to die. Then Elisha begins to weep, and Hazael asks him why. Elisha then tells Hazael all of the horrible things he is going to do to the children of Israel because he is going to become king in Ben-hadad's place. Hazael then goes back to Ben-hadad, tells him only that he will get well, and then kills him the next day- thus fulfilling the prophesy of Elisha.

I am wondering if Hazael would have killed Ben-hadad had Elisha not told him the prophesy. I am wondering if these such things are among the reasons why God doesn't tell us what our future is going to look like. Our perception of our future is so powerful and ultimately imprisoning that if we even have a glimpse of what our future is, we have a sense of control over it. I'm glad I have no idea what tomorrow is going to look like. Otherwise I might screw it up.

A light yoke replaces my crushing burden

Something's wrong in my heart- I am heart sick. I really think that the past couple days I have been critically ill, and no one but Jesus can know or understand that. I was attacked, and made to feel that God doesn't work in this world. I was told that He doesn't listen to my prayers, and that people all over the nation and throughout history follow Him by their own actions, that God really has nothing to do with the work that His saints accomplish. Maybe part of me right now still feels like that, but all along, through all this doubt and confusion, I knew/know that He is right by my side, that He has worked, is still working, and is going to work in this world as He finalizes His great and perfect plans here. I felt absolutely useless to His kingdom. I couldn't see Him either. I saw Him in nature, because I can't help but praise Him on a beautiful, fall day in Colorado, but I couldn't see His hand at work. I was angry and bitter. I wanted Him to strike me down in my pride and my selfishness, because then at least I would know that He was real, and that He is listening, and maybe then I would be humbled if I was a smoldering pile of ashes.

I have been dealing with feelings of lonliness and worthlessness. I felt like every person that has encouraged me to read my Bible, to seek my Lord, and to follow Him with that passionate, reckless abandon has dissapeared from my life, which is in part true. I can think of two very strong frienships that really encouraged my daily walk, which now look very different. I rarely talk to either of them any more, though I am confident that they both are no further from my heart as my siblings in Christ. Still, that is a reality, and as a result I am lonely and really have no deep relationships with other believers that hold me accountable on a daily basis. No one that is longing to share verses with me or talk to me about what struggles or blessings I encountered in a day. That is a change that has been more difficult than I anticipated or realized, but I think has been a really good thing for me because it has drawn me into a more intimate relationship with God, for I have no where else to go with my faith.

I think another reason why I have been heart sick is because I am having a hard time trying to figure out where God wants me right now. Some Christians I know are extremely fired up about God's calling to do bigger and greater things than going to college at CSU- to go on a missions trip to a dangerous country, lead by what they are confident of as promptings by the Spirit. At my stage right now, I am confused as to what God's true calling looks like, what it's really like to see someone truly follow the Spirit's lead and not their own mood swings or epiphanies, and what God's calling is for me in the midst of all their passion. It is frustrating to me because my Christian friends here are all excited about what God is doing in the world, and I am struggling to keep a balanced life in college, striving to do well in what He has given me here, so that He will be glorified and my parents will be honored and respected. I have no right to throw away my blessings so that I can ride on the wake of a leader's passion and assume it is God's calling for my own life.

Right now I am yearning to get so close to God's heart that I know exactly where He wants me, that I know exactly what He is prompting me to do, both short term and long term. I find my peace right now in establishing real, close friendships with Christians and non-Christians alike. I find my peace studying hard in my classes and putting forth the effort to stay healthy. I find my peace in delighting in the Lord and praying to Him for those that are on my heart. I am praying about studying abroad in Australia, and I have a peace there. But in the light of everything that's going on here, that all seems very selfish and trivial. They are praying about serving people in Kashmire and sharing the gospel on campus with strangers. Am I wrong to be where I am right now? Should I be excited about those things or should I be thankful that they are and be content that God has me where I am at? One of my greatest fears is that I am missing out on amazing opportunities that God has for me to further His kingdom. Another one of my greatest fears is falling away from God because I am serving men and not Him- that I am following the promptings of men and am not in tune with the Spirit at all.

Through all of this, I know that God is working with me. Yesterday, I read Psalm 141 and felt like David did- crying out to God, desperate to hear from Him and feeling lonely and oppressed. Today I read Psalm 116 and felt like David did- joyful that God heard me and that He delivered my soul from death. He is up to something, and I can only pray that He has control of whatever He is changing inside of me, because I have very little idea how to even pray for myself.

Psalm 116:5-14
"Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes, our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For You have delivered my soul from death, My eyes from tears, And my feet from falling. I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living. I believed, therefore I spoke, "I am greatly afflicted." I said in my haste, "All men are liars." What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me? I will take up the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the Lord. I will pay vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people."

The Washing of Feet

I obviously haven't written in this for a long time, mostly because I couldn't remember my username. So I decided to start writing in this regularly, not really sure what my intentions are, but hopefully it will benefit someone in the end, though I am not sure I want to share my thoughts with anybody at this point. I am very introverted with my faith right now, mostly because I want it to be real to me, not something that depends on the approval of others. It's just me and God right now, especially since the world is dang confusing. Even those closest to me: my small group here, my family, close Godly men and women- I am really thrown off by everybody right now, so I am finding my rest and peace in my Savior, and that's the way things are at this point. So anyway, I wrote this in my O-chem notebook as I studied, and I wanted to remember it- that's why I am writing it here (though that is no guarentee that I will ever read it again, I just feel compelled to write it again for some reason)...

Jesus washed the disciples' feet.
My feet are gross, to be quite honest. They are dirty, calloused, and unkept. I don't remember the last time I cut my toe-nails and pushed back my cuticles. After months of wearing flip-flops, my heels are cracked and dry, and are often punished in my improper study habits, as I pick at them subconsciously (or as Liz knows well, cutting at them with scissors- this I do consciously).
Hilary washed my feet once. I almost cried. If someone were to wash my feet right now, I would be horrified. I'd want to smooth my callouses, scrub off the old, dead skin, trim my nails, and maybe paint on a fresh coat of clear polish. Then I might let somebody wash my feet, but I would still be very hesitent.
Aren't we like that with Jesus? We cheapen grace by making ourselves feel worthy of the sacrifice. We pretty our lives up and get all religious, eventually reaching a point where our sufferings make us self-righteous and our pride makes us feel like we are easier for God to deal with. We clean our feet up before He gets to us with that wash basin, thinking that it's, one-easier for Jesus to touch us, and two- we don't feel so exposed or ashamed. The truth is that my feet still need to be cleaned just as badly by those precious, beautiful, humble hands.
We find it hard to believe that Jesus died for us while we were still sinners. I look down at Him as He reaches out for my disgusting flesh, and I cry to Him with tears streaming down my face, "Please Jesus, if you have to wash my feet, please let me clean them first!"
Some may think Jesus washing their feet may be about being a servant, but I think it's about grace.

Iowa City

So I started writing this on my flight home from Iowa City, and I haven't ouched it since, and most likely won't. It's not anything I would normally share with anybody, so I thought I might as well post it on my blog that nobody knows about...

Soaring in on the wings of His sovereignty,
I land in the heat of His fervor,
Welcomed by the hearts of two humble warriors,
The adventure in Iowa begins.
We arrive in Chicago as the great city sleeps,
The upper rooms anticipate our presence.
The pianos wait silently as the guitar
Emerges from its black case of slumber.
The burning hearts of the saints begin to sing,
Along with the reverberating metal chords.
Darkness falls instantly and the fans are immediately silenced,
Bringing still, hot wetness and the flicker of a few flames.
Light seeps in through the colors of stained glass,
Outlining images of worship,
While the high, domed ceiling
Fails to withold from Him our praises.
Swollen hearts beat together as He listens to our petitions-
These jars of clay need strength.
The dawn awakens us soldiers
From a night of restless sleep.
Our anticipation is lifted up in prayer
As we prepare for the battle ahead.
Every step of our journey
Hits the pavement with purpose,
Our eres and hearts alert,
Ready to recieve His whispers.
Courage and peace take the place of fear
As His words leave our lips.
Beautiful are our feet, which find themselves in Iowa once again,
This time running to the beat of prayerful hearts.
Our heavy, damp clothes,
Conforming to the shapes of these temples-
We are one body, His body,
And we train in His righteousness.

If I were to someday finish it, it would go through a lot of revising, and it would be a lot longer. I was going to include certain impactful memories with idividuals, such as morning runs, thunderstorms, marks of prayer, stairwells, painting, and melodies, but the memories remain unwritten. Iowa City was incredible, and nothing I can say can really express how thankful I am to have gone. It was an incredible blessing...

Undeserved

I don't deserve these blessings. God has so richly blessed my life and so often I take it forgranted. He is deserving of all of our praise...

Ouch

I wrecked my bike today