A light yoke replaces my crushing burden
Something's wrong in my heart- I am heart sick. I really think that the past couple days I have been critically ill, and no one but Jesus can know or understand that. I was attacked, and made to feel that God doesn't work in this world. I was told that He doesn't listen to my prayers, and that people all over the nation and throughout history follow Him by their own actions, that God really has nothing to do with the work that His saints accomplish. Maybe part of me right now still feels like that, but all along, through all this doubt and confusion, I knew/know that He is right by my side, that He has worked, is still working, and is going to work in this world as He finalizes His great and perfect plans here. I felt absolutely useless to His kingdom. I couldn't see Him either. I saw Him in nature, because I can't help but praise Him on a beautiful, fall day in Colorado, but I couldn't see His hand at work. I was angry and bitter. I wanted Him to strike me down in my pride and my selfishness, because then at least I would know that He was real, and that He is listening, and maybe then I would be humbled if I was a smoldering pile of ashes.
I have been dealing with feelings of lonliness and worthlessness. I felt like every person that has encouraged me to read my Bible, to seek my Lord, and to follow Him with that passionate, reckless abandon has dissapeared from my life, which is in part true. I can think of two very strong frienships that really encouraged my daily walk, which now look very different. I rarely talk to either of them any more, though I am confident that they both are no further from my heart as my siblings in Christ. Still, that is a reality, and as a result I am lonely and really have no deep relationships with other believers that hold me accountable on a daily basis. No one that is longing to share verses with me or talk to me about what struggles or blessings I encountered in a day. That is a change that has been more difficult than I anticipated or realized, but I think has been a really good thing for me because it has drawn me into a more intimate relationship with God, for I have no where else to go with my faith.
I think another reason why I have been heart sick is because I am having a hard time trying to figure out where God wants me right now. Some Christians I know are extremely fired up about God's calling to do bigger and greater things than going to college at CSU- to go on a missions trip to a dangerous country, lead by what they are confident of as promptings by the Spirit. At my stage right now, I am confused as to what God's true calling looks like, what it's really like to see someone truly follow the Spirit's lead and not their own mood swings or epiphanies, and what God's calling is for me in the midst of all their passion. It is frustrating to me because my Christian friends here are all excited about what God is doing in the world, and I am struggling to keep a balanced life in college, striving to do well in what He has given me here, so that He will be glorified and my parents will be honored and respected. I have no right to throw away my blessings so that I can ride on the wake of a leader's passion and assume it is God's calling for my own life.
Right now I am yearning to get so close to God's heart that I know exactly where He wants me, that I know exactly what He is prompting me to do, both short term and long term. I find my peace right now in establishing real, close friendships with Christians and non-Christians alike. I find my peace studying hard in my classes and putting forth the effort to stay healthy. I find my peace in delighting in the Lord and praying to Him for those that are on my heart. I am praying about studying abroad in Australia, and I have a peace there. But in the light of everything that's going on here, that all seems very selfish and trivial. They are praying about serving people in Kashmire and sharing the gospel on campus with strangers. Am I wrong to be where I am right now? Should I be excited about those things or should I be thankful that they are and be content that God has me where I am at? One of my greatest fears is that I am missing out on amazing opportunities that God has for me to further His kingdom. Another one of my greatest fears is falling away from God because I am serving men and not Him- that I am following the promptings of men and am not in tune with the Spirit at all.
Through all of this, I know that God is working with me. Yesterday, I read Psalm 141 and felt like David did- crying out to God, desperate to hear from Him and feeling lonely and oppressed. Today I read Psalm 116 and felt like David did- joyful that God heard me and that He delivered my soul from death. He is up to something, and I can only pray that He has control of whatever He is changing inside of me, because I have very little idea how to even pray for myself.
Psalm 116:5-14
"Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes, our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For You have delivered my soul from death, My eyes from tears, And my feet from falling. I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living. I believed, therefore I spoke, "I am greatly afflicted." I said in my haste, "All men are liars." What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me? I will take up the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the Lord. I will pay vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people."
I have been dealing with feelings of lonliness and worthlessness. I felt like every person that has encouraged me to read my Bible, to seek my Lord, and to follow Him with that passionate, reckless abandon has dissapeared from my life, which is in part true. I can think of two very strong frienships that really encouraged my daily walk, which now look very different. I rarely talk to either of them any more, though I am confident that they both are no further from my heart as my siblings in Christ. Still, that is a reality, and as a result I am lonely and really have no deep relationships with other believers that hold me accountable on a daily basis. No one that is longing to share verses with me or talk to me about what struggles or blessings I encountered in a day. That is a change that has been more difficult than I anticipated or realized, but I think has been a really good thing for me because it has drawn me into a more intimate relationship with God, for I have no where else to go with my faith.
I think another reason why I have been heart sick is because I am having a hard time trying to figure out where God wants me right now. Some Christians I know are extremely fired up about God's calling to do bigger and greater things than going to college at CSU- to go on a missions trip to a dangerous country, lead by what they are confident of as promptings by the Spirit. At my stage right now, I am confused as to what God's true calling looks like, what it's really like to see someone truly follow the Spirit's lead and not their own mood swings or epiphanies, and what God's calling is for me in the midst of all their passion. It is frustrating to me because my Christian friends here are all excited about what God is doing in the world, and I am struggling to keep a balanced life in college, striving to do well in what He has given me here, so that He will be glorified and my parents will be honored and respected. I have no right to throw away my blessings so that I can ride on the wake of a leader's passion and assume it is God's calling for my own life.
Right now I am yearning to get so close to God's heart that I know exactly where He wants me, that I know exactly what He is prompting me to do, both short term and long term. I find my peace right now in establishing real, close friendships with Christians and non-Christians alike. I find my peace studying hard in my classes and putting forth the effort to stay healthy. I find my peace in delighting in the Lord and praying to Him for those that are on my heart. I am praying about studying abroad in Australia, and I have a peace there. But in the light of everything that's going on here, that all seems very selfish and trivial. They are praying about serving people in Kashmire and sharing the gospel on campus with strangers. Am I wrong to be where I am right now? Should I be excited about those things or should I be thankful that they are and be content that God has me where I am at? One of my greatest fears is that I am missing out on amazing opportunities that God has for me to further His kingdom. Another one of my greatest fears is falling away from God because I am serving men and not Him- that I am following the promptings of men and am not in tune with the Spirit at all.
Through all of this, I know that God is working with me. Yesterday, I read Psalm 141 and felt like David did- crying out to God, desperate to hear from Him and feeling lonely and oppressed. Today I read Psalm 116 and felt like David did- joyful that God heard me and that He delivered my soul from death. He is up to something, and I can only pray that He has control of whatever He is changing inside of me, because I have very little idea how to even pray for myself.
Psalm 116:5-14
"Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes, our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For You have delivered my soul from death, My eyes from tears, And my feet from falling. I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living. I believed, therefore I spoke, "I am greatly afflicted." I said in my haste, "All men are liars." What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me? I will take up the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the Lord. I will pay vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people."
posted by Monika at 10/19/2005 02:07:00 AM
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