The Backpack
My father displays his love for me in many ways, but mostly by giving me gifts.
I've once again had a difficult time being at home. I have so many mixed emotions, especially because of how this year has been. All break I have been surrounded by a story different from my own, and of course they all seem more glorious, more adventurous, more fulfilling and gratifying, more God-glorifying, more passionate, more memorable, more meaningful, more painful, more beautiful.
It's hard not to be reminiscent of my high school years as I lay in the same bed staring at the same ceiling, wondering why my life looks like it does right now. I couldn't help the flashbacks. My friendship with Kathleen, late nights in front of my house with Logan, the hardships and glories of swim team, the complicated network of obligations I got myself into, my family, my dog. I cherish those memories, those passions, because they were so real to me. Still today I am impacted by what happened so many years ago. I went to Kathleen's house yesterday. I remember those nights we layed on her driveway, talking about what our futures might bring. I remember balling in each other's arms in that driveway when our futures finally beckened us away from each other. Things are so different now.
I look at my brother. High school football star, loved by friends and family, by the girls- lots of girls that I find myself jealous of because they so easily captivate him. His life is emersed in all that high school glory that some get trapped in for the rest of their lives. I hope that never happens to him. His life is worth more than that...
I long for something, but I don't know what. I feel trapped, but I don't know by what. I want my life to be full of adventure, passion, genuine friendships, hardships, and joy. I long to hope for a future, but I don't know what to hope for. I want my life to be sold out for my Savior, but I don't know what that looks like for MY life. It's not practical for my life to look like Paul's, and as I struggle with not knowing, I find that every day passes by, and more and more opportunities have passed. It depresses me to think about. I am so worried that I might waste my life, that I am wasting it by worrying about it. My mom thinks I am way too serious. I think she's right, but I have way too much mulling about in my heart and my brain to do much about that. I don't want my college years to go by as I sit and ponder what I'm supposed to do with those years. I am afraid of judgement, mostly by those I serve with in the church, but I don't know why. I don't want to feel like I have to justify every action in their eyes. Only God can judge me. I read that today in 1 Corinthians...
So I long for my life to look different, and I, in my weakness, am trying to figure out a way for it to be different. My dad gave me a gift today- a backpack, because I told him that that was all I wanted for Christmas. It's nice, and of course he gave me the best of the best, because that's what he does. My dad always wants the best for me. But me, I want simplicity more often than he realizes. After some thought, I asked him how much it cost and I wanted him to look at some other backpacks that might be cheeper and might be more of what I had in mind. I searched, and he looked at what I showed him, and then left me to tell him what I wanted in the end. As I searched, I realized that my father gave me exactly what I wanted, but I was blind to it and ungrateful. I walked into the living room, gave him a kiss, and told him that he gave me just what I wanted, and I thanked him.
I think that's what's going on in my life right now. God's given me exactly what I asked for and more, and I can't see it, so I am searching for another way to fulfill my requests on my own. Why? I don't know, and I am still squeezing my eye-lids shut, oblivious to the blessings while my mind is spinning in the fuzzy, dark images behind those eye-lids. I only need to open my eyes...
I've once again had a difficult time being at home. I have so many mixed emotions, especially because of how this year has been. All break I have been surrounded by a story different from my own, and of course they all seem more glorious, more adventurous, more fulfilling and gratifying, more God-glorifying, more passionate, more memorable, more meaningful, more painful, more beautiful.
It's hard not to be reminiscent of my high school years as I lay in the same bed staring at the same ceiling, wondering why my life looks like it does right now. I couldn't help the flashbacks. My friendship with Kathleen, late nights in front of my house with Logan, the hardships and glories of swim team, the complicated network of obligations I got myself into, my family, my dog. I cherish those memories, those passions, because they were so real to me. Still today I am impacted by what happened so many years ago. I went to Kathleen's house yesterday. I remember those nights we layed on her driveway, talking about what our futures might bring. I remember balling in each other's arms in that driveway when our futures finally beckened us away from each other. Things are so different now.
I look at my brother. High school football star, loved by friends and family, by the girls- lots of girls that I find myself jealous of because they so easily captivate him. His life is emersed in all that high school glory that some get trapped in for the rest of their lives. I hope that never happens to him. His life is worth more than that...
I long for something, but I don't know what. I feel trapped, but I don't know by what. I want my life to be full of adventure, passion, genuine friendships, hardships, and joy. I long to hope for a future, but I don't know what to hope for. I want my life to be sold out for my Savior, but I don't know what that looks like for MY life. It's not practical for my life to look like Paul's, and as I struggle with not knowing, I find that every day passes by, and more and more opportunities have passed. It depresses me to think about. I am so worried that I might waste my life, that I am wasting it by worrying about it. My mom thinks I am way too serious. I think she's right, but I have way too much mulling about in my heart and my brain to do much about that. I don't want my college years to go by as I sit and ponder what I'm supposed to do with those years. I am afraid of judgement, mostly by those I serve with in the church, but I don't know why. I don't want to feel like I have to justify every action in their eyes. Only God can judge me. I read that today in 1 Corinthians...
So I long for my life to look different, and I, in my weakness, am trying to figure out a way for it to be different. My dad gave me a gift today- a backpack, because I told him that that was all I wanted for Christmas. It's nice, and of course he gave me the best of the best, because that's what he does. My dad always wants the best for me. But me, I want simplicity more often than he realizes. After some thought, I asked him how much it cost and I wanted him to look at some other backpacks that might be cheeper and might be more of what I had in mind. I searched, and he looked at what I showed him, and then left me to tell him what I wanted in the end. As I searched, I realized that my father gave me exactly what I wanted, but I was blind to it and ungrateful. I walked into the living room, gave him a kiss, and told him that he gave me just what I wanted, and I thanked him.
I think that's what's going on in my life right now. God's given me exactly what I asked for and more, and I can't see it, so I am searching for another way to fulfill my requests on my own. Why? I don't know, and I am still squeezing my eye-lids shut, oblivious to the blessings while my mind is spinning in the fuzzy, dark images behind those eye-lids. I only need to open my eyes...
posted by Monika at 11/26/2005 11:14:00 PM
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