Faith without Doubt

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will you give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him." Luke 11:11-13

"The Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: "In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary.' For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care about men, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!'" And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will no God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?" Luke 11:1-8

"When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most inimate way possible- with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, then praise Him- He is bringing you into the mainstream of His purposes... If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, then He will give you the first sign of His intimacy- silence." Oswald Chambers

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!" Psalm 143:10

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:5-6

Ok so my thoughts...
I laid awake on my bed the night that my mom responded to my email. I stared at the brick wall in a state of numbness and sadness. What happened? I remembered earlier that day, as my blood pumped hard through my veins, hands trembling, in eager anticipation of what God was going to do with her. Our God is a powerful God- He works in this world and He's going to heal my mom! After I picked up the phone, every word seemed to build upon a crushing weight on my dampened spirit. My blood cooled down, and I thought, maybe God doesn't work in this world, maybe it doesn't matter to pray for Him to change things here. I think my heart broke as I began to realize what that meant. If God doesn't work in this world, then He's not God. If I don't believe He can change things, then why am I living for Him? Why do I worship Him... why do I pray to Him? So I layed there, and out of no where, almost audibly, I heard James 1:6. So for the first time it was real to me- what it felt like to be a wave in the sea, blown and tossed by waves of doubt. Only hours ago my heart was racing in the realization that God answers prayer, and now, as I lay here, doubt has brought me one of the lowest feelings I have ever experienced. That's what doubt does to you.
On Wednesday, Jenn brought up James 1:6-7. We wondered what it looked like to have faith like that. Then we thought that maybe, that kind of faith is unaltered by waht the world says. That kind of faith is like the persistent widow. That kind of faith perseveres, even to the day of Christ's return- will He return to find you enaffected by the world's criticism? Will you believe God, even when everything around you tells you that He's not there or not listening? I think that's what that kind of faith is all about.

Hazael

2 Kings 8:7-15

Ben-hadad sends his servant Hazael to ask Elisha if he was to get better. Elisha telss him that he will get better, but that he is going to die. Then Elisha begins to weep, and Hazael asks him why. Elisha then tells Hazael all of the horrible things he is going to do to the children of Israel because he is going to become king in Ben-hadad's place. Hazael then goes back to Ben-hadad, tells him only that he will get well, and then kills him the next day- thus fulfilling the prophesy of Elisha.

I am wondering if Hazael would have killed Ben-hadad had Elisha not told him the prophesy. I am wondering if these such things are among the reasons why God doesn't tell us what our future is going to look like. Our perception of our future is so powerful and ultimately imprisoning that if we even have a glimpse of what our future is, we have a sense of control over it. I'm glad I have no idea what tomorrow is going to look like. Otherwise I might screw it up.

A light yoke replaces my crushing burden

Something's wrong in my heart- I am heart sick. I really think that the past couple days I have been critically ill, and no one but Jesus can know or understand that. I was attacked, and made to feel that God doesn't work in this world. I was told that He doesn't listen to my prayers, and that people all over the nation and throughout history follow Him by their own actions, that God really has nothing to do with the work that His saints accomplish. Maybe part of me right now still feels like that, but all along, through all this doubt and confusion, I knew/know that He is right by my side, that He has worked, is still working, and is going to work in this world as He finalizes His great and perfect plans here. I felt absolutely useless to His kingdom. I couldn't see Him either. I saw Him in nature, because I can't help but praise Him on a beautiful, fall day in Colorado, but I couldn't see His hand at work. I was angry and bitter. I wanted Him to strike me down in my pride and my selfishness, because then at least I would know that He was real, and that He is listening, and maybe then I would be humbled if I was a smoldering pile of ashes.

I have been dealing with feelings of lonliness and worthlessness. I felt like every person that has encouraged me to read my Bible, to seek my Lord, and to follow Him with that passionate, reckless abandon has dissapeared from my life, which is in part true. I can think of two very strong frienships that really encouraged my daily walk, which now look very different. I rarely talk to either of them any more, though I am confident that they both are no further from my heart as my siblings in Christ. Still, that is a reality, and as a result I am lonely and really have no deep relationships with other believers that hold me accountable on a daily basis. No one that is longing to share verses with me or talk to me about what struggles or blessings I encountered in a day. That is a change that has been more difficult than I anticipated or realized, but I think has been a really good thing for me because it has drawn me into a more intimate relationship with God, for I have no where else to go with my faith.

I think another reason why I have been heart sick is because I am having a hard time trying to figure out where God wants me right now. Some Christians I know are extremely fired up about God's calling to do bigger and greater things than going to college at CSU- to go on a missions trip to a dangerous country, lead by what they are confident of as promptings by the Spirit. At my stage right now, I am confused as to what God's true calling looks like, what it's really like to see someone truly follow the Spirit's lead and not their own mood swings or epiphanies, and what God's calling is for me in the midst of all their passion. It is frustrating to me because my Christian friends here are all excited about what God is doing in the world, and I am struggling to keep a balanced life in college, striving to do well in what He has given me here, so that He will be glorified and my parents will be honored and respected. I have no right to throw away my blessings so that I can ride on the wake of a leader's passion and assume it is God's calling for my own life.

Right now I am yearning to get so close to God's heart that I know exactly where He wants me, that I know exactly what He is prompting me to do, both short term and long term. I find my peace right now in establishing real, close friendships with Christians and non-Christians alike. I find my peace studying hard in my classes and putting forth the effort to stay healthy. I find my peace in delighting in the Lord and praying to Him for those that are on my heart. I am praying about studying abroad in Australia, and I have a peace there. But in the light of everything that's going on here, that all seems very selfish and trivial. They are praying about serving people in Kashmire and sharing the gospel on campus with strangers. Am I wrong to be where I am right now? Should I be excited about those things or should I be thankful that they are and be content that God has me where I am at? One of my greatest fears is that I am missing out on amazing opportunities that God has for me to further His kingdom. Another one of my greatest fears is falling away from God because I am serving men and not Him- that I am following the promptings of men and am not in tune with the Spirit at all.

Through all of this, I know that God is working with me. Yesterday, I read Psalm 141 and felt like David did- crying out to God, desperate to hear from Him and feeling lonely and oppressed. Today I read Psalm 116 and felt like David did- joyful that God heard me and that He delivered my soul from death. He is up to something, and I can only pray that He has control of whatever He is changing inside of me, because I have very little idea how to even pray for myself.

Psalm 116:5-14
"Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes, our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For You have delivered my soul from death, My eyes from tears, And my feet from falling. I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living. I believed, therefore I spoke, "I am greatly afflicted." I said in my haste, "All men are liars." What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me? I will take up the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the Lord. I will pay vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people."

The Washing of Feet

I obviously haven't written in this for a long time, mostly because I couldn't remember my username. So I decided to start writing in this regularly, not really sure what my intentions are, but hopefully it will benefit someone in the end, though I am not sure I want to share my thoughts with anybody at this point. I am very introverted with my faith right now, mostly because I want it to be real to me, not something that depends on the approval of others. It's just me and God right now, especially since the world is dang confusing. Even those closest to me: my small group here, my family, close Godly men and women- I am really thrown off by everybody right now, so I am finding my rest and peace in my Savior, and that's the way things are at this point. So anyway, I wrote this in my O-chem notebook as I studied, and I wanted to remember it- that's why I am writing it here (though that is no guarentee that I will ever read it again, I just feel compelled to write it again for some reason)...

Jesus washed the disciples' feet.
My feet are gross, to be quite honest. They are dirty, calloused, and unkept. I don't remember the last time I cut my toe-nails and pushed back my cuticles. After months of wearing flip-flops, my heels are cracked and dry, and are often punished in my improper study habits, as I pick at them subconsciously (or as Liz knows well, cutting at them with scissors- this I do consciously).
Hilary washed my feet once. I almost cried. If someone were to wash my feet right now, I would be horrified. I'd want to smooth my callouses, scrub off the old, dead skin, trim my nails, and maybe paint on a fresh coat of clear polish. Then I might let somebody wash my feet, but I would still be very hesitent.
Aren't we like that with Jesus? We cheapen grace by making ourselves feel worthy of the sacrifice. We pretty our lives up and get all religious, eventually reaching a point where our sufferings make us self-righteous and our pride makes us feel like we are easier for God to deal with. We clean our feet up before He gets to us with that wash basin, thinking that it's, one-easier for Jesus to touch us, and two- we don't feel so exposed or ashamed. The truth is that my feet still need to be cleaned just as badly by those precious, beautiful, humble hands.
We find it hard to believe that Jesus died for us while we were still sinners. I look down at Him as He reaches out for my disgusting flesh, and I cry to Him with tears streaming down my face, "Please Jesus, if you have to wash my feet, please let me clean them first!"
Some may think Jesus washing their feet may be about being a servant, but I think it's about grace.